Merry Christmas Reese!

Reese,

I just wanted to write to say Merry Christmas! It was definitely not the same without you; the holidays have been very difficult for all of us. There was a Children's Memorial Service at CHOP before Christmas that we all went to for you. That was not fun but it was nice to remember all the children who were taken too soon.

We visited you at the cemetary on Christmas Eve and then on Christmas as well. We left you flowers and there was also alot of other things left for you as well, including 2 Christmas trees, balloons, a cross & some ornaments. We all miss you so much. Santa brought you 2 presents that we will be keeping in your room. You also got a lady bug blanket which is nice. I just wanted to say Merry Christmas and tell you how much we think about you and how much we love & miss you. I will write again very soon and will be up to visit you tomorrow! I love you Reesie Cup!!!

--Love Daddy--

Hey babygirl,

Just wanted to pop in and say. Tell you that I love and I miss you soooo very much!!! I was such a pleasant surprise to come into work and have a visit from you. You were just hanging out on my chair. Right now your on my desk, just hanging out with mommy at work. Not really sure how I'm going to leave today. I guess I will just have to let you go outside at the end of the day. That is if you are still here with me. You are moving pretty fast right now, maybe you are ready to visit someone else. I know I probably sound crazy to the rest of the world or the people that might read this post, but I guess this is just between you and mommy.

I love you Reesie Pieces. Love, Mommy

13 months Old

My baby girl Reese...... 13 months , you should be 13 months old today. I can just picture you walking all around and getting into everything. I just wish I could picture what you would look like right now. I mean I know you would be absolutely beautiful, with those big blue eyes and that gorgeous smile, but would your hair be light like your cousins Alex and Jules and the way Daddy's was when he was a baby or would it be dark brown like your sister Madelyn's. Would it be long or short or would you be like Mom-Mom Barnett and Uncle Billy and just not have any right now. It is not fair that Mommy and Daddy will never get to see that. I am so angry and I still want to know why you were taken from us.
Christmas is coming and I never got your picture taking with your brother and sister and Santa Claus last year and I am so mad at myself for not doing that. Daddy and Mommy took Maddy and Noah the other day because I was not going to miss it this year and there was just something missing. I just don't know how I am going to get through this Christmas holiday. I have to for Maddy and Noah, but I just feel like I am going to be a zombie, just going through the motions. I've already seen things that I would have bought you for Christmas this year. You would have been so cute opening those present. I can't help but wonder if you would have cried when you sat on Pop-Pop's lap on Christmas Eve, or would you just have known that man dressed up as Santa Claus was your Pop-Pop?
Oh, Reese I am sorry I got so emotional on you but I just miss you so much that I don't know what to do with myself sometimes. I don't think that feeling is ever going to go away.
Well I hope you are smiling down on us and playing with all your angel friends. Keep you sister, your brother and whatever this new little one might be protected and safe.

I love you Reesie Pieces.

HAPPY 1ST B-DAY REESIE CUP!

Reese,

Happy 1st Birtday beautiful. We all love and miss you so much. Your birthday yesterday was very difficult to get through but we had everyone over and that made it more tolerable...I guess you could say. We didn't want to write you until after the Silent Auction was over. We are so happy to have so many great people in our lives, and so many people who's lives you touched (either directly or indirectly) as they helped us raise over $4,600 towards SIDS research. Your Mom & I are still in shock and cannot believe (even about 8 months later) that you are gone and not coming back. Every day we get up and it's like a ton of bricks are on our chests pushing us down. We know that we have to get through all these tough days and your big sis & big bro, Noah, help us do that. We told you at the cemetary yesterday but Mommy is pregnant again and expecting on April 28th. We are so happy yet it is definitely bittersweet since you are not here with us. You will never, ever be replaced nor forgotten. We are going to find out the sex of the baby on Dec 9th. There is not a second that goes by that we don't think about you. It is just so hard to write as many times we just ramble....but there is so much to say. It is just not fair that you are gone...and SIDS is what took you from us. We are doing all we can and will continue to fight SIDS our entire lives. They still don't know what it is, yet progress is definitely being made. So many people visited you at the cemetary yesterday, it's incredible. We let 3 balloons go for you there and then later last night Mom-mom & Pop-pop & Maddy & Noah let more go for you. Hopefully you get our notes. When we left the cemetary yesterday, 3 deer ran right by the front of our car. We will take that as a sign that you are saying hi. Happy Birthday little lady. Keep smiling over us as we really, really need it! We love you and will talk to you later birthday girl!

--Love Daddy & Mommy--

7 months ago Today

Baby Girl.... it has been 7 months since you left mommy, daddy, Madelyn and Noah. Guess what? It hasn't gotten any easier. Everyday I wake up to find you gone and I have to ask myself why? Why did this happen to us? Mommy and Daddy love you and your brother and sister so much!!! There are no kids that are loved as much as you three. Not just from mommy and daddy, but from everyone, everyone that knows you guys. Yet they are people out there that can't keep their children or who abuse them, things that no child should have to go through and they live long lives. I just can't make sense of any of this. It's just not FAIR!
Your 1st birthday is in 19 days and I have no idea how we are going to get through it. Daddy has had your birthday marked on the calendar since January. We were supposed to celebrate it with you. Your party would have been so big, so many people would have came to see you blow out the # 1 on your cake. Your crooked smile would have been bigger then ever!
Mommy would prefer to crawl into a hole for the next 2 and a half months, then to have to face all these holidays without you. Maddy Jo, Noah and Daddy are going to have to pull me through.
I love you so much Reese and I miss you even more! Give Mommy a little sign that you are here with us!

You're 11 months old today!

“Too Precious To Stay”

With your big crooked smile and stunning baby blues, we are often left to wonder, why this happened to you. You entered this world so quickly but left way too soon and now on each ‘angelversary’ we’ll send you a balloon. You’ll always be our Reesie Cup and in our hearts and minds forever, but we still wake up from this nightmare saying “no…not us…never”.

You’re a perfect baby daughter and beloved little sis, and now we never go to bed before giving your favorite stuffed pig a kiss. We started a foundation and will end this thing called SIDS and try to find some comfort envisioning you up there playing with other little kids. Every day is a challenge and we’ll always shed a tear, but one day we’ll be able to tell new parents that they’ll have nothing to fear.

Sleep tight our blue eyed angel and keep spreading those big wings, ever since that dreadful day in March we know you’ve been doing many special things, Please keep smiling as you watch over us and give us signs that you’re okay; we just know he had to take you back for you were “Too Precious To Stay”.

We love and miss you so much Reesie Cup!

--Love, Mommy & Daddy--

The SIDS Walk

Hey Babygirl,
Wanted to send a a quick note to you, to let you know what we have been up to. Well this past Sunday Sept. 14th, mommy, daddy, Madelyn-Jo, Noah, and about 50 other friends and family took part in a SIDS walk in honor of you, pretty. The walk was sponsored by the CJ foundation for SIDS & WAWA. In case you weren't aware, WAWA is Noah's favorite store. It was a very hard day for Mommy but it was also so incredible that so many people turned out to remember you!!! The 50 + people were not even half of the people that wanted to attend and couldn't. They were all gracious enough to give wonderful donations. It is just amazing to mommy and daddy to see how many peoples lives you touched in just your short 4 1/2 months. We all love you sooo much Reese. We will continue to do things to raise money to try and find a cure for SIDS and Remember You. I love you Reesie!!! Love, Mommy

You are 10 months old today

Hey Reesie Cup,

Today is Sept 8th and you are 10 months old today. You have been gone for almost 6 months now and it is still totally surreal to us. I still think this couldn't have happened to us. Every day I wake up and hope that it is all a dream, but I know this is something we have to deal with for the rest of our lives. I just keep imagining you at 10 months and how you would be getting around and hanging out with your big sister and big brother. They both miss you so much as we all do, especially mommy & me. I am speechless really, and don't know if I will ever find the words to describe what your loss means to our family. It is really such an empty feeling; I don't think words could ever describe it. I feel like since you left us on that dreadful day in March, our lives have been moving in slow motion, but everyone else's is fast forward as usual. I guess it is something we will have to cope with. When? Who knows. I miss you so much and we visit you at the cemetary all the time. I know you are probably best buds with all the little kids at the cemetary and that helps me get by. CHOP is having a memorial service for all the little kids who have left way too soon on Sept 20th. Me, Mommy, Noah, Maddy, Mom-Mom and Pop-Pop and Mom-Mom Goz will be there. It will definitely be hard but at the same time will be good to memorialize you. We are also doing a SIDS walk this Saturday to raise money to help put an end to this mystery. We will never, ever forget you sweetie. You are, and always will be my little Reesie Cup. I hope you visit me in my dreams soon and let me know that you are okay. I love you princess! --Love, Daddy--

9 months Old

Well baby girl. You are 9 months old today. 9 months old and not in my arms. You haven't been in my arms for a 142 days. It have been the most horrible 142 days of my life. I never knew I could feel this empty and sad. We didn't deserve to feel this way or deserve to go through a tragedy this great.

Mommy, Daddy, Maddy and Noah just got home from the beach. We went to North Wildwood for a week. It was very very hard to be there without you. Everywhere I looked I saw babies and all I could think of was you. I wondered constantly how old they were, I just wanted to know if they were near your age. I just came thinking about how big you would be or how much hair you would have. Your smile and those eyes, those beautiful blue eyes. You would have been the most beautiful baby on the whole beach, in all of Jersey. I still have all your beach stuff hanging in you closet. Your cute little tankini, your terrycloth jacket, and your sunhats. This is just not fair!!! I could just SCREAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why, why were you taken from us. I just want you to come back to us so bad!! I just want to wake from this horrible nightmare.

I miss you and I love you so much Reese. I'll be back later babygirl. Love, Mommy

Reese has a little angel friend in heaven.... well she has many, but one in particular named Alexandra has wonderful mom named Michelle. Well every month she sends balloons and notes up to our beautiful little angels. Telling them they are missed and loved and just saying hello. Maybe to visit their mommy's and daddy's and tell us hello. The first 3 pics are from July 8th, Reese's 8 month mark, they last 2 photos are from her 7month mark. See all her friends up there.

Thank you Michelle for always remembering our babies!!!

I love you Reesie cup!!! Mommy miss you so much!! I'll be back soon to talk to you!!

Love, Mommy

4 months Ago today... you left us

Oh, Reese.... Mommy misses you so very much!! I still can't believe you're gone. I still feel like I am living everyday in a fog. In a dream world. Some people like to say or think that everything happens for a reason and you are only giving what you can handle. I am not one of those people. Not since you've been taken, there is no one or no reason that anyone can give me that makes any sense. Not for my beautiful healthy baby girl to be taken. I am still so angry Reese. Every time I see a family of 3 or more I want to know why. Why don't mommy and daddy have that anymore? Why were we chosen to have to live a life without our gorgeous daughter, and why Madelyn-Jo and Noah have to live without their little sister. I just want to know why. I just want to wake up, from this horrible nightmare, please just let me wake up.

I'm sorry Reese mommy has to go, I will be back soon. I am just getting so upset I can't even type. I love you soo much and I miss you even more. Love, Mom

You would be 8 months old today

Hey Smalls,
We all love and miss you so much. You would be (you are) 8 months old today. I can just picture how beautiful you look in heaven. I imagine you crawling around, sitting up and getting into everything at home at this point. I'm sure you would be giving Noah a run for his money. Mommy just called me and said you gave her a 'sign' that you are still here with us (bluebirds --what a great idea). Thank you for that!!! We were all at the cemetary on Sunday to see you and say hello. Noah gave you alot of kisses and Maddy-Jo got to talk to you. The car magnets we made for you look great and everyone is asking for them. We are donating the extra money to SIDS research so we can help find an answer for what took you from us. Please keep smiling over us as we all need it. You know you are always on our minds, in our hearts, and you will never be forgotten. Have fun "up there" today!!! I will write again soon. I love you.
--Love Daddy--

Reesie Cup Slideshow

It's been 3 months...

Oh, my beautiful Reese.... it has been 3 months since you left us. We all miss you soo much! I still am in complete shock that this is my life!! I feel like every time the 18th rolls around I replay that phone call from your daddy over and over again in my head. I still can't believe what I heard him say when I picked up the other line. How did this happen to our wonderful family. There is all these crazies in the world and we loose a beautiful precious baby girl that I know was going to change the world. I just always had this feeling about you. I still believe you are going to change the world Reese..... daddy and I were talking and we want to start a foundation in your memory to help raise money to help find a cure for SIDS.

Noah's 3rd birthday is on Monday, we are having his birthday party on Sunday June 22nd. You know that is also your godmother Aunt Jaclyn's birthday. Mommy is really nervous about the party. I just know what a difficult day it is going to be to get through. You were supposed to be here with us 7 1/2 months and smiling, maybe crawling, trying some birthday cake. I am sure you would probably have a cute little tooth by now, if not you would be well on your way. Oh, Reese please give me the strength to get through Sunday and Monday without being a complete basket case. Noah is going to have fun though, mommy and daddy got him a moonbounce. He is just going to love it.

Well, Reese mommy is going to go now. I will be back soon. I'll let you know how the party went and how much fun Noah had. I love you soo much Reesie Cup, you are always in my thoughts. Every second of everyday. Maybe you can give mommy a sign that you are here with us. I love you Reese! Love, Mommy

Father's Day

Hey Babe,
I just wanted to write to tell you I really miss you and think about you all the time. Father's Day is in a couple of days and it will definitely not be the same without you there. I guess it will be one of those days that I am going to have to really force myself to go out and try to enjoy myself. We go to the track every year but I am really not looking forward to it. It just really sucks without you here right now. Father's day is in like 3 days but for some reason today has started off really tough for me (and it's only 9:30 in the morning). You should really be here right now. For something like this to happen to you, it makes no sense. I know 'something' happened that definitely shouldn't have and over time they are going to find out what the hell SIDS is (excuse my language). I really want to have another baby with Mommy bad...but at the same time, I am really missing you and know that any new baby we have will not be "you". I was really looking forward to seeing you grow up. Maddy-Jo was such a cute baby (pig tails, braids and all) and you ARE the same. I just have to envision it in my head as I know I won't be able to see it physically. It is so hard to describe in words what we are feeling right now. I hope time makes things a little more tolerable. You will never be forgotten. I look at pics of you all the time and I would give anything to bring those days back. I absolutely love Maddy & Noah with all my heart and things would be absolutely perfect with you. This summer will be tough...I just imagine you in your little cute baby bathing suits and Mommy would have a blast dressing you up and all. I just want to scream and cry my eyes out....maybe that will make me feel better. Well, I just wanted to say hello Reese Cup. I will be going to the cemetary later today to say hi! Please smile and look over us all now as we definitely need it. I love you baby. I'll see you in my dreams for sure!!! --Daddy--

Today you'd be....7 months old

Hi my beautiful baby girl. Today you should be 7 months old. Why aren't you 7 months. Mommy and Daddy had a christening to go to today for baby Liam. You should have been sitting on our laps laughing and giggling, but you not. Instead daddy and I had to listen to the bartender talk about how there was only boys running and around, no girls. Then she tells us well your lucky anyway then you don't have to deal with them growing up. Wow, thanks. I felt like I was kicked in the gut. I know people don't know what goes on in other peoples lives, but out of all the people at the party why did she have to say it to us. Do we deserve this torture? Living without you is hard enough.

Mommy, Daddy and Noah stopped by to visit with you today. Maddy went to the movies with Aunt Meg and Caden. She will be up to see you soon. We got a surprise, when we got there. Your beautiful stone was placed. We weren't expecting to see it and it definitely through me for a loop. I was happy to see it there. We weren't expecting to see it yet. We thought it would take a little bit longer. Daddy fixed your flower so they are on either side of it, along with your lovebug. We also brought more flowers today. They had a red gerber daisy in it along with a bunch of other flowers and a ladybug marker inside of it. They were perfect. Just like you.

I'll be back later to write more. I just want to say hello and tell you that I love you and miss you sooo sooo much Reesie Cup. Love, Mommy

WHAT HAPPENED???

My little lady, I miss you so much; I can't stand it. Has this really happened to us? I still can't believe it. This is the worst nightmare that anyone could possibly have. I don't even know what to say...this is such a horrible time in our lives. Just know, we will never, ever, ever forget you smalls. Mommy & I got tattoos for you and Maddy helped us make bracelets for you. We are also getting magnets with your beautiful face on them. Anything to keep your memory alive. It is like our lives came to a screeching halt but the rest of the world is in fast forward as usual. My patience is worst than ever (and we all know i don't have any to begin with). It is tough to get out of bed in the morning and my motivation is lacking big time. All because you were stolen from us....ripped from our lives for no reason whatsoever. I don't think I have been to church since you passed away. It's not that I have no faith anymore but I am just so pissed off. If anyone could explain to me why this happened to our family that would be good. I feel we are a great family Reese and this makes no sense whatsoever. I am glad that your Mom made this blog as it allows all of us to get some things off our chest. Maddy & Noah miss you so much baby and we go see you at the cemetary ALOT. Mommy & me know we want to have another baby. Nobody will ever replace you and you know that...I think it will help make us feel better. Whether it's a boy or girl, there is no doubt in my mind that the middle name will be "Reese"...named after you beautiful. I just wanted to write to get some things off my chest and I will definitely be writing again. I love you so much precious and you are always in my thoughts and in my heart. Keep smiling!!! Love, Daddy

Pictures

Hey Baby Girl.... mommy and daddy are missing you sooo sooo much! We took Maddy and Noah to get their pictures taken tonight. There was just one thing missing... you. You see we always get pictures of your sister and brother in June. With Noah's birthday on June 23rd, we can hand out updated pictures to all your aunts and uncles, mom-mom's and pop-pop. Since the minute you were born I thought about our June pictures. you would be 7 months by then, sitting up on your own, smiling, giggling, just looking so damn pretty. My two beautiful girls and my handsome boy. You know I have the three most absolutely beautiful children on the whole planet. I just couldn't wait to get all your pictures. So why are you missing, why???? There was just a big hole missing tonight Reese. And of course what happens when we are done Madelyn and Noah's pictures? A mother with three children, two little boys and a baby girl come in to get there pictures taken. The baby girl was getting pictures for her christening. Why do we repeatedly keep getting tested like this? Why, it not far. Why can't we get in and out of a store even once without seeing a baby girl. We don't deserve this. I just want to wake up from this freaking nightmare. Sorry Reese, mommy just needed to get some of these feelings off my chest. I Love you gorgeous!

2 Months Since You Left Us

Reesie.... I can't believe that it has been 2 months since you left us. Part of me feels like it has been an eternity without you and part of it feels like the months are just dragging. Reese I don't really know how that sounds. I'm sure it doesn't sound good, I guess I just feel if the time would pass more quickly then maybe your dad and I would start to feel a little bit better. I really don't know how we will ever really feel .... better, but maybe the pain will be a little less. Right now I think your daddy and me have a hole in our hearts the size of Texas. We just still can't believe that your gone. Why are you gone????? Why are we the ones that had to lose their perfectly beautiful baby girl. 4 months and 12 day with you was just not long enough. Some people never lose their babies and we had to explain to Maddy and Noah, where their sister is. Why you are gone and we don't even know.
We met with the doctor that worked on you at CHOP. They are pretty sure its SIDS. SIDS... its scary because they have no idea why it happens. It could of happen when you were just sleeping on my chest, Reese... and would I have been able to save you, ....maybe...maybe not. If it wouldn't of happen on May 18th, would it of happen all??? They don't know!!!!!!!!! Why??? Why don't they know?

Reese I am going to do everything I can in this world to find a reason why this happens and a cure. There has gotten to be something that can be done to save these healthy babies that die for no reason.

We all came to visit you on Mother's Day. Madelyn got really upset and so did Daddy. I just felt like I was in another world. Daddy, Maddy and Noah got me a beautiful locket that put a piece of your hair in, that way I will have you with me always. I love my locket.... I love you!

We okayed your stone, we are just waiting for it to come in. It is going to be beautiful, just like you.

Noah and Mommy are going to come visit you today. Noah loves coming to visit you and talking to you. He sees all the other babies toys and he likes to walk around. I'll be there soon, baby girl.

Mommy and Daddy love you sooo much!!! We think about you constantly.

The Day our Lives Changed

Tues. March 18th started out like any other day. Matt and I got up to get ready for work. I dropped Madelyn-Jo off at school and dropped Noah and Reese off at the babysitters. When I left there I gave Noah a big hug and a kiss and of course my Reesie Cup a big kiss. I told them that I loved them and left with them both smiling at me. Three hours later I received a call from my husband that would change our lives. He told me I needed to get to the hospital right away Reese was found lifeless in the crib. They had gotten a heartbeat and a faint pulse but she was not breathing on her own. WHAT!!!!!!!! WHY????????? My girlfriend drove me to the hospital to meet up with my family already there waiting. Matt and I went back to see her little four month old body stuck with with IVs and bandages. Someone was pumping air in to her. They told us an ambulance was on their way from CHOP(Children's Hosp. of Philadelphia) to get her. Matt drove up with the ambulance and I drove up with my mom and dad. Once we were all there we spoke with the doctors and they told us how grim it was. But you are not supposed to give up!! So we prayed and prayed and just sat and waited for a miracle. Some people get miracles right? So why not us? Our next three days were spent at the hospital surrounded my family and friends. They were truly amazing. Madelyn's birthday was on the 19th so Matt and I left the hospital for a little bit to sing Happy birthday and just hang out with Maddy and Noah. On the 20th they were able to take her down to get test done to check for any brain activity. When they came back we learned there was none, so we were left with fact that our beautiful blue eyed daughter was gone. We told our family and let everyone come in to see her one last time. Our immediate family stayed so they could hold her one last time. Matt and I were able to give her one last bath and dress her in some pj's. We then took imprints of her hands and feet and I cut a piece of her hair. I should have cut more..... I just didn't want to mess her up. She was so perfect, so perfect. We then dressed her in a beautiful cream and pink outfit and blanket. Everyone left the room, Matt and I held her in our arms and we turned off the machine. We lost our baby. Our beautiful baby girl. The finishing touch on our perfect, wonderful family. Matt and I always said how lucky we were, we had three beautiful healthy children and we were happy and in love. We didn't take things for granted, so why did this happen to us. Why did they think that we could handle this? This isn't supposed to be our live, this wasn't supposed to happen. I'll never know why it did either. Not that I think knowing would really make me feel that much better. Reesie, mommy and daddy love you so much!! We miss you even more.