11 months ...Since you've been gone

Oh, beautiful baby girl. I can't believe it has been 11 months since you left mommy and daddy. These 11 months have been indescribable. The pain and the heartache is something that I never thought I would feel. I am sorry I have not been on here much, I guess I just really have been in the pit. Missing you so much and being so angry that I just can't seem to put it into words without feeling like I might upset someone. Not really sure why I would care, unless they have been though what your mommy, daddy, sister and brother have been through they would never really understand anyway.

Valentine's Day was really heard for me. Not really sure why, I guess because I felt like it was the last big holiday that you were around for. I know your were here for St. Patty's Day but it was the next day that our world was shattered. The night before Valentine's Day, mommy just couldn't fall asleep....I ended up crying myself to sleep. All I could think about was you in that cute Valentine's outfit that I had bought you and about the one I foolishly bought you to wear this year. It is still hanging in you closet with the tags on it. I don't think I will ever be able to do that again. I mean buying an outfit for one of your siblings a whole year in advance; all that innocence is gone. I really liked that bubble that I lived in, where everything was perfect and good. I don't think I will ever be back in that bubble again.

Mommy, Daddy and Noah did get to see your baby sister today. We went for another ultrasound. We had the technician double check to make sure she was a girl... she is. She was in there eating her hand. It was really cute.... Mommy really needs these next 9 weeks to go by fast. Reese please keep her safe, and Madelyn and Noah. I know I ask you that all the time, but I really need you to help me out with that. I guess that's it for now. I love you soo much pretty and I miss you even more. Keep smiling down on us with those gorgeous baby blues!

I'll be back soon, I promise!!! I love you Reesie!

Love, Mommy

Happy Valentines Day Reesie Cup!

Reese,

I just wanted to write to say Happy Valentine's Day baby. This will be our 1st without you and it's going to be very hard. I keep looking at your picture -- the one attached to this post (the one with your Valentine's Day bib on) and it just kills me. It feels like someone is ripping my heart out. Who would have known that last Valentine's Day would be your one and only. It is not fair at all. I just don't understand it and I never will. I am mad, sad, shocked and just still totally numb from everything that happened. It is a struggle to move on with our lives but Mommy & I are doing the best we can. We know that you are up there giving us a little push every day to keep going and telling us everything is alright (at least that is what I have to believe). Maddy & Noah just opened their Valentine's gifts but obviously it is totally different without you here. We are constantly talking about you (both Maddy & Noah always do) and we will never forget you. We are anxiously awaiting your baby sisters arrival (on April 28th). I am curious to see who she will look like. You will always be her BIG sister!!! I will keep you in the loop since we go for another ultrasound next week. We will be up to see you later and will leave flowers and balloons for you. I love you babygirl and please keep looking over us to make sure we are okay.

--Love, Daddy--

Happy New Year Reesie Cup!

Reese,

I just wanted to write to say Happy New Year! The holidays were so tough for us but we got through them okay with Maddy & Noah here. I am just speechless right now and cannot possibly describe what we are going through - about 9 1/2 months later...it definitely has not gotten any easier. I still cannot believe that this has happened to you and us. It will not ever make sense. I have been talking to people about your case to get different viewpoints. There is a SIDS Specialist in San Diego who is going to look at your case to see if anything was missed -- they are in the process of doing a SIDS Research study. We will see, but obviously nothing will (physically) bring you back to us. I am just hoping it will in some way help find an answer for what SIDS is. It is just so hard because I don't know if we'll ever have closure. You were taken for absolutely no reason at all. You are so loved by everyone and will never be forgotten. It has been so hard to start a new year without you. Not fun at all. Alot of people we don't even know have been contacting me & Mommy who have also lost babies to SIDS so hopefully that will help us...knowing that other people can relate to what we are going through.

On a brighter note, Mommy is 24 weeks pregnant today and her due date is April 28th. We are excited and nervous at the same time. It is definitely bittersweet without you here to meet your soon-to-be new brother or sister. The baby will be his or her own person and no one can ever take your place. We are curious to see who sheor he will look like. We will keep you in the loop for sure. Alright Reese, I just wanted to get some things off my chest. Again, Happy New Year! I love you and miss you and will write again soon.

--Love Daddy--

Merry Christmas Reese!

Reese,

I just wanted to write to say Merry Christmas! It was definitely not the same without you; the holidays have been very difficult for all of us. There was a Children's Memorial Service at CHOP before Christmas that we all went to for you. That was not fun but it was nice to remember all the children who were taken too soon.

We visited you at the cemetary on Christmas Eve and then on Christmas as well. We left you flowers and there was also alot of other things left for you as well, including 2 Christmas trees, balloons, a cross & some ornaments. We all miss you so much. Santa brought you 2 presents that we will be keeping in your room. You also got a lady bug blanket which is nice. I just wanted to say Merry Christmas and tell you how much we think about you and how much we love & miss you. I will write again very soon and will be up to visit you tomorrow! I love you Reesie Cup!!!

--Love Daddy--

Hey babygirl,

Just wanted to pop in and say. Tell you that I love and I miss you soooo very much!!! I was such a pleasant surprise to come into work and have a visit from you. You were just hanging out on my chair. Right now your on my desk, just hanging out with mommy at work. Not really sure how I'm going to leave today. I guess I will just have to let you go outside at the end of the day. That is if you are still here with me. You are moving pretty fast right now, maybe you are ready to visit someone else. I know I probably sound crazy to the rest of the world or the people that might read this post, but I guess this is just between you and mommy.

I love you Reesie Pieces. Love, Mommy

13 months Old

My baby girl Reese...... 13 months , you should be 13 months old today. I can just picture you walking all around and getting into everything. I just wish I could picture what you would look like right now. I mean I know you would be absolutely beautiful, with those big blue eyes and that gorgeous smile, but would your hair be light like your cousins Alex and Jules and the way Daddy's was when he was a baby or would it be dark brown like your sister Madelyn's. Would it be long or short or would you be like Mom-Mom Barnett and Uncle Billy and just not have any right now. It is not fair that Mommy and Daddy will never get to see that. I am so angry and I still want to know why you were taken from us.
Christmas is coming and I never got your picture taking with your brother and sister and Santa Claus last year and I am so mad at myself for not doing that. Daddy and Mommy took Maddy and Noah the other day because I was not going to miss it this year and there was just something missing. I just don't know how I am going to get through this Christmas holiday. I have to for Maddy and Noah, but I just feel like I am going to be a zombie, just going through the motions. I've already seen things that I would have bought you for Christmas this year. You would have been so cute opening those present. I can't help but wonder if you would have cried when you sat on Pop-Pop's lap on Christmas Eve, or would you just have known that man dressed up as Santa Claus was your Pop-Pop?
Oh, Reese I am sorry I got so emotional on you but I just miss you so much that I don't know what to do with myself sometimes. I don't think that feeling is ever going to go away.
Well I hope you are smiling down on us and playing with all your angel friends. Keep you sister, your brother and whatever this new little one might be protected and safe.

I love you Reesie Pieces.

HAPPY 1ST B-DAY REESIE CUP!

Reese,

Happy 1st Birtday beautiful. We all love and miss you so much. Your birthday yesterday was very difficult to get through but we had everyone over and that made it more tolerable...I guess you could say. We didn't want to write you until after the Silent Auction was over. We are so happy to have so many great people in our lives, and so many people who's lives you touched (either directly or indirectly) as they helped us raise over $4,600 towards SIDS research. Your Mom & I are still in shock and cannot believe (even about 8 months later) that you are gone and not coming back. Every day we get up and it's like a ton of bricks are on our chests pushing us down. We know that we have to get through all these tough days and your big sis & big bro, Noah, help us do that. We told you at the cemetary yesterday but Mommy is pregnant again and expecting on April 28th. We are so happy yet it is definitely bittersweet since you are not here with us. You will never, ever be replaced nor forgotten. We are going to find out the sex of the baby on Dec 9th. There is not a second that goes by that we don't think about you. It is just so hard to write as many times we just ramble....but there is so much to say. It is just not fair that you are gone...and SIDS is what took you from us. We are doing all we can and will continue to fight SIDS our entire lives. They still don't know what it is, yet progress is definitely being made. So many people visited you at the cemetary yesterday, it's incredible. We let 3 balloons go for you there and then later last night Mom-mom & Pop-pop & Maddy & Noah let more go for you. Hopefully you get our notes. When we left the cemetary yesterday, 3 deer ran right by the front of our car. We will take that as a sign that you are saying hi. Happy Birthday little lady. Keep smiling over us as we really, really need it! We love you and will talk to you later birthday girl!

--Love Daddy & Mommy--